Free Like You

I wish I could be free like you. I wish I could let it all out. I wish I was as strong as you. I wish I could let my feelings be known to anyone who will listen, to anyone who cares.

I have written about "him" -- filled up diaries, private blogs, written unsent letters, penned countless poems and songs. But these feelings are my secrets that I keep inside. What do I have to hide? What do I have to lose? Nothing? Everything?

In my incessant quest for perfection, something is so incontrollably imperfect. Something is lacking. There is a closed quality to my openness. I give so much, allegedly wear my heart on my sleeve, I am quick to tell you exactly what I think. Could someone with so many words coming out of her mouth, really be hiding this much in her heart?

I wish I could be free like you. I wish I had courage like you. I wish I didn't care. After all, what have I got to lose?

I care about "him" I really do. I could fill books with this saga and become a national best-seller, maybe even become rich off my poor heart.

I read what you so openly say and I hear my voice in your words -- things I would never let slip to the public. But I envy you. I envy your candidness. I envy your release. I envy your turmoil that, once expressed, brings peace.

But I am a coward. Held hostage by my own expectations. Maybe that's what is wrong and why I still hold on. I want to let go too.

I wish I could be free like you.